I came out wrong
Heya, I hope you’re having a gorgeous day! I’m a bit under the weather with a cold, brought on by too much woo-girl cheering at a drag show.
Then I spent all day yesterday being an angry, shouting Santa-hating guy for my upcoming Christmas release “Get Out My Room (Fat Man)”. Which by the way isn’t a comedy song about the size of Santa.
The joke is that we’re brought up to accept this flamboyantly fressed strange man from the sky who climbs down your chimney. He then sneaks into your room at night and leaves you presents whilst you sleep. What, and that’s not creepy?
Imagine if Santa snuck into the wrong house. What if the person on the other side of the door was a bit lairy, a bit pissed off, and definitely didn’t want some creep milling about his flat at 1am.
That’s what ‘Get Out My Room (fat man)’ is about. Sign up to my mailing list to hear the demo ahead of release on the 24th. Anyway…
How do I come out to friends and family?
This week I want to approach a question I was sent on Instagram
How do I come out to friends and family? (with family expected to not understand).
I messed up
It would be tempting for me to write a ‘how to’ on coming out to family and friends. I did it, I’m living my life happily as me, I’m the expert right?
I could tell you to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, financially.
Make sure you have a safe place to live, break the news softly, tell this person first, then tell those people.
Do this, wear that, make notes so you have something to fall back on if your words fail you. Make sure you say this, but definitely don’t say that.
And you know what, my guide would probably be pretty useless. Because I totally fucked up my coming out as trans.
But how should I do it?
Ok, so saying I ‘totally fucked it up’ is a bit harsh. But in the immediate aftermath, I certainly felt like I’d just thrown my life away. In many regards I did really well, it just didn’t feel like it at the time.
But I’m guessing attaining a step-by-step guide on the perfect coming out isn’t the motivation behind the question ‘how do I come out to friends and family?’.
I could have it wrong, but what I reckon this person is saying is ‘I’m scared of coming out, and I’m worried about what I might stand to lose.’
And that’s fair. Truth is, we don’t know what the future holds, but usually the things we’re worried about don’t materialise, and we never expect the real challenges round the corner.
So sadly, I can’t tell anyone how to come out to friends and family, all I can do is speak from personal experience: coming out and living as my true self has been the best fucking decision I’ve ever made.
As best I can, I’ll give you a little rundown of what happened when I came out as transgender.
The year is 2021
And I’m 31 years old.I’ve been on the sofa with some serious COVID for about 2 weeks during June. In that time I’ve mainly wiped my nose, played xbox, slept, felt sorry for myself, and stayed at home all day whilst my wife goes out to work.
I live deep in the Norfolk countryside, so I’m very isolated, and I have a lot of time to think. I’ve been dabbling with drag over lockdown, so gender fluidity is on my mind. For whatever reason, I stumble across a trans girl on instagram.
Except I’m in absolute disbelief that this person is transgender. They used to look quite like me, and now they are a gorgeous woman. How this even possible?
Then I realise that if I could flick a switch, and wake up a girl tomorrow, I would. The thought doesn’t leave my head. I start researching.
Temel Dosce - Know Thyself
I go on reddit, I soak up trans timelines, seek out more trans people and read their stories. I discover that gender affirming HRT exists, why didn’t I know about this?
I start googling ‘am I trans?’, again and again, almost obsessively. What I’m looking for is for someone to say ‘you are trans’. But nobody does.
I DM the girl I saw on instagram, and tell her ‘I think I’m trans, but I don’t know, how did you know?’. And she tells me the most useless and useful bit of advice, which I now pass on to people.
“Nobody can tell you you’re trans, it’s something you have to work out yourself”
I was like, thanks a lot, all I wanted was for someone to tell me for sure that I’m trans.
But it’s a bit like flipping a coin, and instead of doing what the coin says, see how you feel about the result.
The fact I was sad nobody could categorically diagnose me, made me realise I already knew what I wanted to hear.
“I wanna tell you a little secret, being the one is just like being in love. No one needs to tell you you are in love, you just know it, through and through.”
Things that scared me
My biggest fears about accepting my transness, and coming out were this:
My wife would want to end our relationship
I’d have to divorce
I’d have to leave my home and live alone
I’d have to say goodbye to the village I loved, and my animals
I’d lose my family in-law
My friends would disown me
I’d be ridiculed
My remaining family would reject me (my mum passed away in 2011, and I cut contact with my dad years prior)
I’d be too old to transition anyway, I'd transition ‘badly’
My body would change in ways I didn’t like
That I was actually clutching at straws, this was just a desperate attempt to fix something I felt was broken (I was depressed at the time)
By the time I was certain I was transgender, I just came out and said it. Then I told everyone I could think of within days. Then within 2 weeks I had a private consultation for HRT.
It all happened very fast, and part of me felt I’d done it completely wrong.
What happened next
I’m now divorced. My biggest fear came true. And it really wasn’t life-ending. It was confusing, scary and brought up a lot of uncomfortable feelings, but it opened many new doors. I discovered heaps about myself through the breakup. I became stronger, more independent, and learned what I now wanted from a relationship. It revealed deeper relationship issues that hadn’t been obvious before.
I now have a queer partner who I’m really happy with. I’ve been on this transition journey with them, and it’s been a source of joy and adventure. Trust me, there are people out there who, in the nicest way, either don’t give a shit about, are fine with, or attracted to genderqueerness. (I want to approach the topic of dating in early transition next time)
I left my ‘marital home’. Weird term but accurate. In fact, selling up and leaving meant I was one step closer to being able to afford surgery! It was, in many ways, a gift.
I discovered a thriving queer community, and heaps of new friends in Norwich. I’ve even reconnected with old friends (eg ‘the lads’ from school). Most of the time I anticipate rejection, and it just doesn’t materialise.
I’ll always be fond of my old home, but leaving a small gossipy village and having a fresh start in the city was exactly what I needed. Even if one of my new neighbours still sometimes says ‘HI MY MAN!’
I did lose touch with my in-laws, which I’m still disappointed about. It sucks having a close bond with people for about 10 years, only to be silently jettisoned during a relatively amicable breakup. So that did hurt. Some other family members expressed confusion, and some level of doubt. But with time, they’ve come to accept, appreciate and celebrate who I am today.
Too old to transition? Complete rubbish. Yeah, there are some things that would have changed more dramatically 10+ years ago, but I’ve been blown away at how much things have changed between the ages of 31 and 33.
Unwanted body changes? Yeah, there were a few weird things that happened in the early days. Endless crying (see Divorce). A chubby swollen face era. Very sore nipples. Some level of sexual dysfunction whilst my body adapted to new hormones. Sorry if it’s TMI, but I had recurring thrush for like, nearly a year. But I love myself more and more with each day. I mean, I grew titties, what’s not to love?
My depression disappeared. I stopped needing anti-depressants within a couple of months of HRT despite being pretty cut up about the divorce. I’d describe it as a new level of resilience, and an ability to weather hard times. My 10 year fixation with ageing, and fear of dying started dissolving.
Do what’s right for you
LGBTQ+ laws around the world vary hugely. In some places it’s never safe to be out. In others, there are numerous anti-discrimination laws that protect queer people. Some countries have vastly different rules for gayness vs transness.
So I can’t definitely tell you ‘just do it’. I wish we lived in a world where queer people could be free to live without prejudice and persecution, but it would be irresponsible of me.
Pay attention to your environment, and prioritise communities and those relationships with people you deeply trust.
Despite the UK ranking as one of the worst places in Europe to be trans it’s still safe enough for me to be visible, and to shine a light on the trans experience. For as long as I can be a positive voice, I will!
All I can say is that living authentically is a beautiful experience, and if you’re able to take the next step, it might just change your life.
With love and joy,
Lucie x