When did I first present femme in public? When did I realise that I’m trans?

Short answer: When I decided I was a so bad at drag, I gave up and became a full time woman.

First femme presentation in public

My first public vaguely femme appearance was in 2014, running down Princes Street, Edinburgh, in a full wedding dress. I probably did it earlier in my life, but maybe I blanked that memory out.

The wedding dress stunt was part of a video titled ‘always surprising’. I was shooting it to promote my hand made jewellery business.

I mean, realistically there were a million other things I could have done as a promo, but obviously I had to run around in a wedding dress. Normal straight boy stuff innit.

My first drag attempt was… something. It was really something.

The drag to trans pipeline

Confession time. The first version of this blog was an emotional journey through my transgender self-discovery that featured photos and touching anecdotes.

There were niche insider references to old drag personas, a dip into my childhood, and an explanation of why my Reddit username is Rvbberdaddy.

But in a horrible ‘oh fuck’ moment, I went and ruined it by ignoring the basics of writing a document (saving regularly). I deleted it.

Frankly the blog was too long anyway, so I’ve saved you some precious minutes of your life. You’re welcome! Anyway, here’s a pretty good alternative to the first attempt.

The Timeline

Basically, it went like this:

2019: I watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race for the first time, at the time I’m (ashamed to admit) mildly disgusted at men who dress like women. I’m also attracted to them which I find confusing, and so I squish the feelings down. Normal cis straight boy stuff.
I discover I have a sort of obsession with drag race. I binge every available season on Netflix. This doesn’t cure my hunger for drag. NEED MORE.
Wait, what’s this new and inconvenient emotion? Jealousy? Envy? How come these queens get to look so amazing and I have to sit here in this stupid male body (sorry to my transmascs, though I’m sure you’ve felt the same about your old form).
I try drag, oh big fucking surprise, I love it. Oh no, how awful, I have to go shop for women's clothes, and makeup, and pose in the mirror, and I get to wear heels for a ‘legitimate’ reason instead of just in secret when nobody’s looking. How terrible.
I discover that I’m kinda sad when the drag comes off. Kinda happy when it’s on, but there’s something that’s not quite right. I don’t like the way my boyishness comes through the makeup. The way my brow looks, or how wide my shoulders are, or how flat and hairy my chest is.
I shave off my denial beard so I can look more femme in drag, but then hate my stubble five o’clock shadow. I also discover I don’t like my face underneath the beard.
I go out for the first time in drag, and find a welcoming community who celebrates my self-expression.
As time goes on, I wonder if there’s more to this than just drag, but I can’t place what the feeling means.

My first drag persona: Salt Daddy. Getting ready for the ball category Christmas Tree Couture

Drag: a gateway drug

In the end, exposure to drag was a slippery slope into transgender self discovery. Having a welcoming drag scene in Norwich allowed me to tiptoe, tentatively, into the queer community.

I guess that’s why I feel we have to be careful about excluding cishet men completely, because for 31 years, I thought I was one.

I understand the necessity for queer spaces, absolutely. I don’t think we should carelessly open our doors to everyone.

We need caution, safeguarding, or at a minimum, vibe checking. I myself get nervous around certain guys, in general I don’t want to be noticed by them. I know there’s a lot of bad stuff that happens, where guys wind up being the perpetrators, not the victim.

But straight guys have been some of my biggest cheerleaders, collaborators and friends.

In the Doctors waiting room to get on the NHS trans healthcare waiting list. Shirt should have said ‘the future is woman’

Discovering that I’m trans

COVID made me trans. Ok, not exactly, but I did spend 2 weeks on the sofa with COVID in 2021. It gave me a lot of time to think, and ultimately at the end of it I decided ‘I’m not happy being a boy’. Trans visibility on Instagram was a big part of that. If there’s such thing as a tranmother, Alana is mine.

I dived into trans timelines on Reddit, and was in genuine disbelief at how much someone could transform in just a couple of years. If it’s possible for some thirty something out there, why not me?

Another two weeks later, I had my first consultation with Gender GP. A few weeks down their appraisal pathway, I received my first batch of hormones.

They receive mixed reviews, and I always encourage you to do your own research. But I can honestly say that quickly accessing Gender GP’s services saved my life.

I had depression and anxiety before transitioning, and only a month or so into HRT (hormone replacement therapy), I could stop my antidepressants, and I’ve never needed them since. I can’t picture a life now where I hadn’t transitioned, to me, it sounds hellish.

But this topic is so vast, I want to explore it in a future post.

My second public drag outing in one-hit-wonder drag band **Tuckin Punks**

Inclusivity in drag

Had I been denied the opportunity to participate in a queer environment based purely on being perceived as a cisgender heterosexual man, I may never have discovered that I’m a trans woman.

This is why trans and queer visibility is so important. I grew up without any trans role models, and it took me until the age of 31 to work things out.

I wonder what life would have been like if, as a child, I knew that gender transition was even a thing.

Maybe I wouldn’t have got so obsessed with Animorphs or Freaky Friday, or that machine that shrinks Mike Teavee (I wonder if it could turn you into a girl).

It’s why I think that, far from ‘appropriating transness’, drag performers celebrate and facilitate public transness. So many drag performers are trans, non binary, genderfluid and more!

Drag performers expose us to diversity and inclusivity, challenge our prejudices and allow us to explore ourselves in a joyous, tongue in cheek way.

My grandparents came to watch this one and had a beautiful time ‘it’s so lovely to see so many young people enjoying themselves, unlike the gangs on the streets’ Ok grandma.

Here be Trans

Remember, I went from being a straight boy who thought ‘drag queens are a bit icky’, to a visible, proud, queer trans woman, who loves grassroots drag and what it stands for.

I had the opportunity to learn and grow, and change. Drag has a very special place in my heart, it was my gateway drug. It made me a better person. It probably ended my marriage too, but you win some you lose some.

Remember, there be trans hiding among us, and it’s our job to be here with open arms when start their journey of self-discovery.

And they might just be a bald, beardy straight boy in bad makeup today. But in a couple of years, they could turn into this.

With love and joy,

Lucie x

Normal straight boy stuff